原作者：Mark Rabkin
編譯：T客匯 李哲，徐婧欣
核心提示：在工作中，你可能有過很多一對一會面的經(jīng)歷，不管是和經(jīng)理、團隊成員，還是其他團隊的同事。可惜的是，大多數(shù)人都浪費了他們1:1的機會。問題在于，他們在1:1的談話中不夠“尷尬”。本文教你如何在一對一的交談中感覺到“尷尬”。
1:1是神圣的空間，它代表著一種親密。這個空間只屬于你和另外一個人。它可以傳遞極其復(fù)雜和不確定性的內(nèi)容，特別是關(guān)于情感、希望和畏懼。
通常，人們把1:1蘊含的潛力都給浪費了?；蛟S，你在會談中做了一些日程安排，更新了一些狀況，得到了一點反饋，分享了一些抱怨。這些都很好，很有價值，也很有幫助。但是，你需要問自己的是，這場談話對你來說有困難嗎？你是否有些緊張，或者不確定該如何表達自己的感受？也就是說，你是不是感覺有點尷尬？
如果答案是否定的，那么證明你們不是在談?wù)撜嬲袃r值的東西。
你不是在談你的困擾——比如你感覺自己有些精疲力竭，開始幻想著要另尋出路；或者你正在擔心你的公司增長乏力，不管是因為你自知增長無望，還是因為你不知所措；或者你不敢承認，每次1:1你都要提前準備一小時，生怕說出什么不該說的事情；亦或是你對某個工作項目感到很失望，但是真心希望把它做好。
所有這些事情都難以啟齒，所以你不愿意去說。
當然，并不是說每一分鐘的1:1時間都是如此。我的意思是，你應(yīng)該利用好每一次1:1的機會，說出那些令你難以啟齒的內(nèi)容。這是解決問題的正確方式，它可以避免陳詞濫調(diào)和談話僵局的出現(xiàn)，讓你卸下心防，做回真正的自己。它可以建立互相的信任和良好的關(guān)系，使談話雙方都獲得成長。
嬗變和成長都需要經(jīng)歷尷尬，擁抱它吧！
擁抱尷尬
幾年之前，作為一名工程師，我很恐懼尷尬的交談，也盡量避免這樣的談話，因為它讓我非常不舒服。之后，慢慢地，我意識到自己一直在浪費一種非常寶貴的資源：和他人一對一的相處。而現(xiàn)在，讓我感到恐懼的，反倒是那些平庸、乏味、單調(diào)、重復(fù)的1:1。我害怕我們聊了半天，卻沒有半點真正有價值的內(nèi)容。
我做出改變的第一步，就是接受尷尬。下面是我的兩個原則：
- 任何可以在咖啡店或團隊會議等公開場合談?wù)摰脑掝}，都不要出現(xiàn)在1:1中。如果你們的談話被其他人聽到也無所謂，那么請不要在1:1中談它。你可以通過電子郵件、Slack、會議等等其他任何方式討論這些話題。
- 爭取在每次1:1中說出一件令你非常尷尬的事，同時對方也要做到這一點。雙方事先約定好，征得對方的同意會使尷尬的程度降低。
當然，此“尷尬”非彼尷尬。沒人想聽你的喋喋不休和粗俗的玩笑，這也是一種尷尬，但不在本文討論范圍之內(nèi)。
我們曾經(jīng)把我們公司所有的團隊分成兩人一組，按照以上原則進行試驗。結(jié)果證明，這兩個原則非常有效。
這種“尷尬”的交流一開始難以接受，但是慢慢就變得容易了。同任何事情一樣，秘訣在于做一些稍有不適的練習。一旦熬過了尷尬的初始階段，你就會感覺到巨大的滿足和安慰。有一個能夠傾聽和更深入了解你的人，這對你的影響是非常正面的。
所以，為了幫助你更好的練習，下面列舉了一些絕對“尷尬”但又積極的話題以供參考。
談感情（偶爾的話題）
- 談?wù)摳惺堋?/b>說出一種你的感受，或者對對方的感覺。你馬上就能感受到尷尬，接下來會是一場精彩討論。
- 談?wù)撍麄兊膽n慮。他們擔心的是什么（他們事業(yè)，項目，還是即將到來的艱難會談）？為什么？然后分享你自己的擔憂。
- 信賴度檢測。你們彼此互訴衷腸的難度有多大？為什么？如何才能降低一些難度？
誠實的反饋（永恒的話題）
- 他們在你眼中是不是最好的經(jīng)理/老板/同事/合作伙伴？你在他們眼中呢？為什么？
- 你和其他人討論過關(guān)于對方的哪些事情？或者聽別人說過關(guān)于對方的哪些事情？和對方分享。
- 周圍的人忘記了告訴對方哪些事情？作為一個好朋友、好同事，請告訴他們。
謙虛的尋求建議（永恒的話題）
- 告訴他們你目前致力于發(fā)展的增長點。告訴他們?yōu)槭裁茨氵x擇這個增長點，然后尋求建議。
- 說一件你最近正在抱怨的事。然后尋求他們的建議：“我怎樣才能做得更好？”忽略那些敷衍了事的回答，反復(fù)追問，直到對方給出實質(zhì)性回答。
- 承認自己的錯誤或失誤，尋求幫助和建議。問問對方是否注意到了你的錯誤或失誤。
英文原文：
The Art of the Awkward 1:1
The 1:1 is a sacred space. It’s intimate. It’s dedicated to just you and the other person. It’s super high bandwidth for complex and uncertain content, especially emotions, hopes, and fears. It’s also the most inefficient way you can devise to disseminate non-controversial info.
Very often, people waste most of the 1:1s potential. You might make a little agenda, and then give some updates, some light feedback, and share some complaints. It’s helpful and valuable and nice. But, ask yourself: is the conversation hard? Are you a little nervous or unsure how to get out what you’re trying to say? Is it awkward?
Because if it’s not a bit awkward, you’re not talking about the real stuff.
You’re not talking about your challenges?—?how you’re a little burned out and started daydreaming about other jobs and why. Or that you’re scared about not making progress on a growth area, whether because it seems a bit B.S. or just because you don’t know how. You’re not confessing that you have to plan for an hour for each of these 1:1s and be super careful not to say something wrong. You’re not saying you know you’re both frustrated about the project, but you really want to work it out.
You don’t tell them the good stuff , because it feels silly. Like how they made your whole week with a simple “Great job!” after the talk you gave. Or how you went home and bragged to your partner about it. Or, how you’re so grateful how their care and empathy got you through a really rough patch. Or how they inspire you with how good they are at a skill. You’re not asking: “Why do I totally flop when I try to copy what you do? What am I missing?”
All of those things would be really awkward. So you don’t say them.
Obviously, not every minute of every 1:1 can be like this. But make no mistake?—?you should have enough awkward in you to use up a chunk of each meeting. This is what solves problems that otherwise go unsolved. It breaks the cycle of repeated issues or an impasse. It lets you be you and let down your guard. It builds trust and relationships. It creates growth for both of you.
Change and growth are always awkward?—?embrace that.
Embrace the Awkward
A few years ago, as an engineer, I used to dread and avoid awkward conversations like the plague because they were very uncomfortable. Then, very slowly, I realized I was wasting a rare precious resource: one-on-one time with another person. Now I instead dread bland, vapid, cookie cutter 1:1s. I fear that we’ll talk for a while but never get to anything real.
I made the change by committing to be awkward. Here are the two rules I use for every 1:1, many times a week:
- Don’t talk about any topic that you could discuss in the open, among your team desks or in the cafe. If it’s safe enough to be overheard?—?it’s not the right content for a 1:1. Email it, send it in Slack, discuss among the desks, say it at a meeting, anything but a 1:1.
- Commit to saying one rather awkward thing every 1:1, and get the other person to commit too.?Agreeing in advance and getting permission makes it feel way more safe. Committing creates peer pressure to be real. It works.
Of course, I hate to have to say this, but I will:?don’t be awkward in the wrong way. Nobody wants to hear your TMI story or off-color joke. It’s awkward, but it doesn’t count.
These two rules are transformative. Following them is oddly liberating and effective. We’ve had great success teaching this to whole teams, breaking them up into pairs, and sending them off to come up with one awkward thing each to say to each other.
The Awkward?Awakens
If you want to join me and get going on this, here’s some tips to help you unleash the vast sea of awkwardness that resides within each one of us (maybe especially so in tech), just waiting to be released.
Get started and commit.?A common complaint is that setting up the agreement to be awkward in a 1:1 series itself feels really awkward. Great! That satisfies your quota for the next meeting. Commit to awkwardness to someone (your peer, manager, a friend) and follow through.
Fix your other communication.?If it’s hard to get to the real stuff in 1:1s, your other communication channels might suck. Get all your updates, easy questions, simple feedback done some other way: email, team meeting, Slack msg, text, whatever your company does. Whatever you do, don’t waste the 1:1.
Plan to be awkward.?Spend a few minutes at the beginning of the week thinking what would be great to get off your chest and what you’d love to hear about from your coworkers. Plan how to be awkward rather than how to avoid it.
If you’re not sure you want to take the risk to get started?—?ask yourself: “How often am I too awkward vs. not awkward enough?” and check outMake The Other Mistake.
The Awkward?List
Awkwardness is hard at first, but it really does get easier. As with anything, the key is slightly uncomfortable practice. But, there’s something that makes that practice easier: whenever you succeed getting something awkward out and survive, it creates a huge feeling of satisfaction and relief. It’s deeply positive to have another person hear you and understand you better.
So, to aid your practice, here’s a long list of guaranteed awkward and positive things to help you get started. I hope that majority of these will work with most of the people you have 1:1s with!
Meta & Feelings (Occasional)
- Talk about emotions. Label one you’re feeling, or what you sense from other person. Boom, instant awkward and great discussion.
- Any meta-conversation about your conversations.?We never talk about Topic A, we just always talk Topic B. Why is that? When I tell you about Topic A, you always react like this, and that’s why I don’t tell you that stuff. When I bring up Topic B, how do you feel? Why is that?
- Ask for their fears.?What are they afraid of (for their career, the project, an upcoming tough meeting)? Why? Share your own.
- Trust check.?How easy is it for both of you to share intimate things with each other? Why? What would make it easier? Discuss.
Extra Honest Feedback (All the?time)
- Are they acting like the best manager / report / partner you could wish for? Are you??Why or why not? Discuss.
- What have you already told someone else about this person (or heard others say)??Share with them. Discuss.
- What is everyone around neglecting to tell this person??What’s the work equivalent of this person having mustard on their face after lunch? Be a good friend / coworker and tell them.
Humble Advice Seeking (All the?time)
- Tell them a growth area you’re working on currently.?Tell them why you picked it (even if it was one of those “not-really-optional” ones!). Ask for advice.
- Check for your own role in a weird situation.Pick a thing you’ve recently complained about. Ask them?—?“What could I’ve done differently in that situation?”
- Ask for feedback on how to be better. Then, skip the fluffy answer and ask again until you get something real.
- Admit a fault or a mistake. Ask for support and advice. Ask them if they noticed you making it or not.
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